i was watching my sister’s keeper last night, man did that movie break my heart.
although it’s not based on a particular individual’s life, i am pretty sure that elements of the stories are present in the lives of cancer patients/survivors and the family of cancer patients.
the scene where anna said how nothing came of her sister’s passing —- made me realise how spot on anna’s outlook was. it was so real. when people pass away, they pass. some deaths can change the world or help medical discoveries in some way (or in other ways) but ultimately, there is the majority that not everyone’s death impacts the world, except for people who are connected to the deceased person.
i don’t know where i am going with this but for me it was just a scene that got my mind thinking…
Donut Ask, Don’t Caramel
ChocoPie GumBall Street
Women’s Right to Chews* (*Taffys)
Troy Davis’ Capital PunishMint
Rick Santorum Is A Homosexual Assdouche Fudge Swirl
fuck the banks.
i’ve got a call presentation today, my parts we’re to discuss (more like read from my cue cards) our pr campaign’s situation analysis and two key tactics of the campaign.
i suck at these things.. however i volunteered to do parts because i know my input to this assessment has been so little.. other members could have constructed it without me.
today, i log on to my email and see the presentation timeline and some of my parts of been eradicated or they’ve replaced my part with another member.
this sucks because i feel even more inadequate and i think its quite clear my group has little or zero faith in my presentation skills… which is fair enough because they are so determined for the ‘high distinction’ — which, i cannot blame them for, they are leaning towards graduation.. whereas i’m a first year hanger.
i’ve never been the one to not do ‘my part’ for group assessments.. i hate being the leech or feel like i am leeching. man, i even made cue cards and practised with my mum (as my audience.)
all the disappointments and the weight of my failures i’ve experienced since start of 2011 finally took its toll on me … i fronted, played it off like.. i was slick and i could dust it off like dirt on my shoulder and try again. Last night was/is the curtain call, i don’t know how to pick myself up.i feel like the saddest mother fucker alive.
not being able to change how i am is flattening me out. i don’t know what to do cos i’ve burnt myself out. i try to get positive vibes flowing around me, from reading books, quotes or watching movies that will keep me light and feeling like sunshine .. it’s like i need something to make me happy. i result to material/superficial distractions to keep going.
if i was alone with just the thoughts in my head.. no sound, music..nothing i think i’d crumble and break.. and a whole lot of hidden or pushed aside anger, pain, sadness and other grey areas would smack my heart (harder than it’s smacking right now.)
what makes me sad the most is that i feel as though i’m always at the same spot. i never move and when i do.. i take a step forward and later i take a couple steps back. i always bring myself to that same spot, same place. that hurts. it kills.
i admit, i’ve blamed most of this on other people, things, factors, situations … when i really should have been honest and looked at myself.. but then people say i’m too hard on myself or lack belief, faith and confidence in myself (which is true)
i dont know anymore, i’m tired. tired of this same place, same spot, same situation.. in which my choices and decisions get me there/here. only thing i can do is admit that i have been wrong for quite some time now.. and i’m not the illest mother fucker alive.
Btw, ‘Rocket Science’ is ahhhfuckingmazing.